I SO long, to want to love God more.

My good friend recently recommended this book ‘Crazy Love’ by Francis Chan, I have not seen such enthusiasm about a book for such a long time from anyone that I ordered a copy straight away…and it is AMAZING, but you know what I’m discovering most about myself, is that my heart is hard. I’m half way through and with every gem of inspiration and with every challenge, I begin to justify myself or just let the words sweep over me and not impact my heart. But tonight I feel a crack in my hard heart…and I confess I’m a total and utter sinner.

Tonight’s chapter was titled ‘when you’re in love’ – I remember when I first fell for Tom and holding his hand gave me butterflies, all I wanted was him. Even last week, before I went away to Ireland for the weekend with just my youngest little boy and some girl-friends I had a cry at the thought of being apart from Tom.

Let me quote from the book…

“When you are truly in love, you go to great lengths to be with the one you love. You’ll drive for hours to be together, even if it’s only for a short while. You don’t mind staying up late to talk. Walking in the rain is romantic not annoying. You’ll willingly spend a small fortune on the one you’re crazy about. When you apart from each other, it’s painful, even miserable. He or she is all you think about; you jump at any chance to be together.” (p100)

Francis asks the question, is your love for God anything like this? So I ask myself the question, what are the things I spend most of my time thinking about?

My family; My friends; My church; The things I’m involved in in the community; Captivated; Seeing people get saved; Food; My house; The bigger house by the sea in the countryside that I’d love…Most of these things are good things to love, but when I put any of them first before Jesus. I’ve got it all wrong and I do that most of the time so that’s why I confess I’m a total and utter sinner.

I’m reminded though, that God in his grace and perfect love for me, for us died so that I/we can change. Without the Holy Spirit I cannot love Jesus as I should.

P104 says “Our prayers for more love result in love, which naturally causes us to pray more, which result in more love… As we begin to focus on Christ, loving him and others becomes more natural. As long as we are pursuing him, we are satisfied in Him. It is when we stop actively loving Him that we find ourselves restless and gravitating towards other means of fulfilment.”

I need to be honest with God again about where I’m at. I’ve filled my life with things and If I’m not careful, God will just get the left overs. He wants my best.

God, I am so sorry that often I seek out the things of the world to satisfy me (refresh me, complete me) – when only you truly will. Holy Spirit will you enable me to love Jesus more than all that God has given me, even more than my family and my ministry. I cannot do it without you and when I try I fail miserably every time. Thank you for your grace and patience and gentleness with me.

Lizzie Bassford

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